Two days ago I sat down with one of my partners to watch “Happy Shiny People” on Amazon Prime. They are not all that familiar with my background, and where I came from. So watching this show with my partner felt scary, but also I was relieved to not be watching it alone. The first two episodes (I have yet to watch the last two) were intense, triggering, but also weirdly validating.
One of the most difficult parts are getting out of that environment as a young adult was not knowing was “that environment” actually was. I knew deep within my core that it was wrong, that I was in danger, and if I didn’t get out when I did, that I would never escape. But what my parents taught me and my siblings, what they subtly instilled in us, what was blatantly taught, I had no names for. I didn’t know there were labels for what I had experienced and been harshly indoctrinated in as a child. And what didn’t help was those around me shaming me for not knowing.
I have described my family’s ideologies as “ATI/IBLP adjacent” for close to 7-8 years. ATI stands for Advanced Training Institute. IBLP stands for Institute in Basic Life Principles. Both are programs Bill Gothard founded and reinforced through subtle and not so subtle indoctrination and enforcing rules and programs on his followers. As I’ve watched this mini documentary, every single ideology and belief put forth has been something I knew growing up and had adhered to. That weirdly validating part is recognizing just how accurate I have been all of this time referring to my family as having been adjacent to all of those beliefs. Because we were. We were all of that except for in name.
One of the things that has sat rather heavily with me since watching the first two episodes, is the reality that I was never supposed to have survived. I was never supposed to have made it out. I wasn’t supposed to be here still. The way my dad controlled me and insisted on keeping me under his thumb in all of the ways, I had no way out. I didn’t know that I could stand up for myself until I met my nesting partner.
Profligate Truth 
Want to share some thoughts?