I never thought I would ever write a post like this. But here I am, sitting here and writing things out that make my heart soar and that brings the goofiest smile to my face.
For all of my life, I have longed to be seen; seen for who I am, seen for my scares and the things that make me me. My nesting partner has done a decent job seeing me, but that has been a very long work in progress and it isn’t the answer to the longing that has resided in my soul. I have felt that I am waiting for a heart to see mine and love me for me.
A little while ago, I met someone. The second I saw them in person, I knew this was important – I knew THEY were important. But along with those feelings came an overwhelming wave of fear that tried really hard to drown those other feelings. The fears caught me off guard, and I almost fucked up that first date. Leaving them feeling like I maybe wasn’t interested and wasn’t going to want to go on another date (and another and another and another…). Ugh do I feel so bad about some of the things I said, but also, I was drowning under a rush of unexpected fear and needing to step back and deal with it. I knew they were interested in me, but I wanted to make sure that when I did reciprocate that interest, that I was able to do it fully and not half heartedly.
Being able to name the fear helped, of course. It was fear of putting myself out there and getting utterly flattened by the grief again of being betrayed and heartbroken. I thought there had been such a solid relationship last year, but the way that ended in epic proportions made me realize that seeing the immense potential here with this new person made me realize that I really needed to address the fears still buried deep within my heart. If I was willing to acknowledge the potential expanding in front of me, then I had to own my shit and make sure i wasn’t going to bleed all over this new person.
After many tears and gut wrenching conversations with really close friends and my nesting partner, awareness broke through. I was ready. Like I was really truly ready to explore with this new person, like I was willing and ready to be all in. I reached out and asked if they would like to go on another date, and her immediate response was that she would absolutely love to. Next came the exchanging of schedules to find a time that would work. As soon as she told me what days she was available, I realized I may have to make a different decision here.
I had plans for each day that she was available, but then I decided it was worth taking a risk. I invited them over to my house, and they promptly accepted. Knowing that I was all in already, I planned on asking them about being very intentional with moving towards becoming partners together. Depending of course on whether or not her interest in me was as strong as I was assuming it was.
After spending 4+ hours talking that night, I knew this was right. I knew I was definitely absolutely all in and ready and willing to explore whatever they wanted to explore with me. Kissing her that night was enough to make me feel like I had chills pouring over my body and I crawled into bed that night feeling like I was quite literally floating several inches off the ground. What is this feeling?!
I saw her again the next day, and that connection was already 10 times stronger and we both knew something was different about this thing between us. We went to one of my friends’ birthday dinner, and as I sat next to them, holding their hand and looking at them every so often, I felt my heart tell me over and over “pay attention, she is important.” We became official partners that night. There was too much synchronicity to make any of this just mere coincidence.
That was on May 5th, and since thing everything, and I mean everything, has flowed and expanded in such a way that I have never felt this happy or in love. Telling each other that we’re in love with each other and we’re both all in was so fucking incredible and still makes me want to cry. Seeing the way they look at me, feeling the way their hands touch mine and how her arms wrap around me,
Profligate Truth 
Want to share some thoughts?