Writings

to love & hate Octobers…

I both love and hate Octobers. For maybe the first time in almost 8 years I've lived in Colorado, we have actually gotten brilliant reds, yellows, and oranges as the foliage has changed with the season. I actually didn't take pictures of the fiery red and yellow trees I passed by at least twice a... Continue Reading →

19 year cycles…

I was reading through a Pattern app update earlier, and it mentioned that I am currently in the middle of a repeated 19 year cycle. It talked about releasing the past and the things that have come up because of the past and this cycle bringing those old things back to the surface. When I... Continue Reading →

perrumpere noctis…

what are all of the adjectives for grief? my entire body feels numb today. The only area I am really feeling is my finger that I've definitely strained. But I am only feeling that because it twinges with pain whenever I reach to grab something or I tap the sore part against something else. lying... Continue Reading →

disappearing…

The grief feels extremely heavy tonight. It feels like I'm drowning and I want to just disappear. I want to disappear and maybe the pain would lessen or even maybe numb. I am feeling grief that's uncomfortably close to how I felt when phil and I were forced apart all those years ago. That feeling... Continue Reading →

the creeping shame…

We're now exactly two weeks away from Samhain/Halloween. The day I ritually observe as the beginning of the new year. It is the witches' new year, and my memories are being stirred as we approach, remembering and observing the things I have learned this year, and the things I have let go. I have long... Continue Reading →

monsters under the bed…

Content Warning: drugs, being drugged, r*pe, self harm, cutting After my post the other day on here, I sincerely thought it would be quite some time before I came back to write. Lo and behold, here I am - trying to release the cacophony of trauma and triggers in my head and heart and trying... Continue Reading →

Where Do I Belong?

It’s been a year; a year since we chose to uproot and move our family, a year since I lost friends I thought were “forever” friends, and a year since we entered into the chaotic space that still is this global pandemic. I do not feel like I have much to show for the past... Continue Reading →

A year in review…or maybe not

This is when I typically do a year in review post, but for reasons I may attempt to explain, words are not my friends right now, and haven’t been for quite a while. 2020 was not kind to my brain and the relational trauma I hold scares from have been really loud all fucking year... Continue Reading →

The Cost of *Family*

10 years ago, Phil and I were fighting for our relationship, fighting to be acknowledged as a valid couple. We were engaged, but hadn’t done so the “right way.” Which, by the way, he asked my father three times for my father’s blessing, and each and every time, my father took advantage of Phil’s generosity... Continue Reading →

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