when updates are small…

Between getting my ass kicked by my editors, having a tiktok finally hit FYP, and starting a new hair color journey, my life has been packed with a lot of ups and downs. Ups have included getting back into climbing with a partner, and starting to prepare for a trip this next month, and beginning the final month’s countdown until the release day for my book.

Other ups have been applying for all of the scholarships I can, as school for me starts this summer. I never ever thought I would return to school, yet here I am preparing for starting college classes. I have an entire long term plan, granted holding it loosely, but it is still there. I have a lot of hope for myself, but also feel uncertain if I will be able to make it all the way.

For the past decade, I have dedicated all available energy and mental space to working through my trauma and history. That decade’s worth of work is going to be revealed in an almost 400 page book. I am proud of myself and how much I have accomplished and what I have fought for and the work I have done on myself and for those around me. And yet, there’s a part of me that feels sad because I know how much this journey has cost me, as well as how much I’ve gained.

My heart still hurts for those I loved whom I’ve lost in the past year. Part of me is angry, but also I know what I did and own my actions, and I grieve the choices others decided to make.

I am about to dive back into my editing, and trying to focus on being present with my chosen people and getting this damn book out into your hands.

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