a different kind of january…

It’s almost halfway through the month, and I am already have multiple things beginning to spin into motion. This is the first time I have entered a January and not been triggered and traumatized. This has been the first January in 8 years that I haven’t been dreading what the month will bring. This is the first January in two years that I haven’t been in the ER, in surgery, or going through emergency testing because of a fear that I have cancer.

This is the first January in all of my life that I have passed through each day with my head held high and excited and eager to see what the next day is going to bring. Even when it’s been a hard, trying, or even physically utterly exhausting day, I’m still here and I’m still going.

This is the second January in 7 years that I am preparing to finish a book. Receiving my manuscript back from my editor and going through the edits makes me feel so good about what I have written. The first part of the balls I’m starting to get rolling have to do with the book. A few pieces have to fall in to place and I’m prepping them as I write this.

Yes, this is my year of expanding, and I can already feel the anticipation of the next big thing that’s about to drop. I am basking in the beautiful connection I made on the very first day of this year. And I participated in an assessment two weeks ago that brought out some very curious and intriguing results. Results that ended in having a very sincere and serious conversation with my therapist. I am now waiting for her email with the resources and advice she is giving me.

Have I said I’m excited yet?

But seriously, where I am today is where I never ever believed I would get to. 2, 3, 5 years ago, I couldn’t see an end to trauma, the constant waves of stress and overwhelming situations. I even remember saying multiple times that I didn’t think ‘this’ would ever end. And yet here I am. It is worth acknowledging how far I’ve come because I have pushed through some really hard shit.

I have gotten an especially detailed overview of the past 7 year in particular as I’ve been editing and re-structuring my book. I had to take a break today, I’ve started dreaming about editing. But it’s coming together. And I’m ready.