Taking some time to decide what I want to do with this space has frankly done nothing to assuage the anger I’ve felt. The gamut of emotions has run from anger and fury to sadness and then finality and peace. Finding my mother’s letter to me from 2013 reconfirmed why someone attempting to censor me is such a deal breaker for me. It’s not one I have to bring up often at all, because most people around me understand the significance of my writing, and what my parents have done to me, and why my accounts are all locked down and kept safe at all costs. As someone who has fought many times for my voice and the voices of fellow survivors to be heard, having someone I thought was a trustworthy person manipulate, censor, and try to guilt trip me into making my perspective fit their narrative, that’s a huge fuck no from me. I am so done with trusting people and then having to watch helplessly as they stab me just like everyone else has done.
I have decided to keep this space up. I have put too much time and words into this place to shut it down because I’m afraid of someone using my words against me. I know who I am, I have done the best I could with a really really fucked up situation, and I am at peace with where I am now. I suppose a bitter gift of being an enneagram 8, and a triple fire sign, and someone who has done a shit ton of work on themselves, I have no hesitations about dusting off my hands and walking away in finality from anyone who chooses a cowardly way out and does the exact same things previous shitty people have done to me. I spent all of October grieving, so when that final day came, I walked away and haven’t looked back.
Medb of Tara has existed for about 5 years now. I have poured a lot of my journey into this space, and I have built a little community of readers and followers. It isn’t fair to the work I’ve done or to those who follow along for me to walk away from this space. It is my fucking space, and I honestly don’t care anymore who reads it.
As I’ve settled into the darkness of this hibernating season, I am aware of a growing excitement about the coming year. Maybe it’s a slightly masochistic desire of mine, but there is something driving me about having chosen the word EXPAND for 2023. How much more will I learn? How much fuller and fulfilling and delightful will my relationships be because of the work I’ve done this past year and the work I will do in the coming year? I don’t know the future, I don’t want to know the future, but I am a little bit giddy at the work and the rewards of how much work I’ve done that are heading my way.
The channeling I had a few weeks ago whispered several secrets that I am holding close to my chest. Talking with the spirits gave me a fresh perspective and actually confirmed several things I had happen throughout this past year that I hadn’t fully understood yet. And after spending this entire year trying to recover from severe burnout a year ago, I have felt a little more energy and drive come back. Understanding who I am to my very core, and continually discovering new pieces is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. As someone who has fought tooth and nail for over a decade to literally build myself once I was “safe” and away from my parents’ grasps, I don’t take what I’ve earned lightly at all.
I am 100,000 words into writing my book. I am officially beginning the editing process, and I need to start reading from the beginning of where I’ve taken the book before I can figure out how to end it. The title hit me the other day like a ton of bricks and I’m so tickled to finally have that tentative piece. Will that be the final title? Eh, possibly not, but that’s okay. I feel a lot of responsibility to get the book right. I know [roughly] how many people were impacted by the first edition, and I feel icky about that first edition. Especially since it was so unfinished. I still have several messages sitting in a message request inbox asking where my first edition went, and if they could read it again, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to respond. Part has been burnout, but also, whoa vulnerability.
I have decided I’m done with sticking to the shadows. I’m done grieving and mourning lost people in my life. Those who no longer are allowed access and who have also burned me, farewell, so long, fuck you, I’m done, final, it’s over, you don’t belong in my life. Those who are in my life right now and have been brave and courageous for hard conversations, and had my back over and over, as I’ve had theirs, are so precious to me. I love every person deeply, and I am so honored to have that love returned. I am excited for the future, I am excited for a year of expansion, and building connections and expanding the beautiful ones I already have.