I was reading through a Pattern app update earlier, and it mentioned that I am currently in the middle of a repeated 19 year cycle. It talked about releasing the past and the things that have come up because of the past and this cycle bringing those old things back to the surface. When I really thought about what was happened 19 years ago, it suddenly made a lot more sense.
19 years ago, I was not quite a teenager, but was already raising half my siblings by myself and being their parent as well as running the household. The reason for this? My mother was going through major surgery and rounds of chemotherapy due to having breast cancer. It was during that time my parents fought the hardest, betrayed and abandoned me the most, and I have felt those feelings all over again in the past two weeks.
I turned a corner or something this afternoon, and for the first time in over two weeks, felt like I was finally being able to see past/around this fucking trauma. I felt like some, just a tiny bit still, of my perspective is back. I am not myself, I am not the person I have fought so hard to become. The trauma has taken over my brain in a way that has not happened in a long time. It has taken over my brain in such a way that I forgot this was a possibility. I forgot how devastating and shattering it is when this happens.
I also have become aware of a deeply seated feeling that the things that have spun me out are things that needed to be faced. As with what happened after we almost lost my youngest, another surgery for him, and here I am again…shattered by the memories that have ravaged my mind and my body. I feel like saying I’m shattered doesn’t even begun to touch how splintered and broken I feel. I don’t feel like it even comes close to touching how disorienting it is to see so many pieces of myself thrown out in front of me and not even recognize myself. Logically, I know what happens when trauma that has not been able to be integrated into your natural timeline gets spun up. I know what literally happens in the brain and which areas get activated and which areas get shut down. but when it’s literally happening in MY brain, and in MY body? It’s a lot more difficult, no, it’s impossible to put the two and two together.
I still feel like I’m standing holding shreds of the things I loved and were important to me just a month ago. I feel like there is almost no plausible way I can come back from this without having to do some pretty significant repair work with multiple people. Or, honestly, maybe I’ll just keep disappearing and just never go back to people. This feels like the cowards’ way out, but truthfully? The space feels like a relief right now, and if I can access anything, feeling relief is feeling something.
I finally feel like I actually want things to work out with my partner. This is the first time in three weeks I have actually felt like this. I have not been able to access any [positive] feelings for them, it has all been shock and fear and worry and pain and grief. This afternoon I felt like I could definitively say I WANT things to work out with them. I actually have perspective again to say this is something I want. Forget wanting something specific, it’s important to acknowledge that I actually want something besides just wanting this grief and pain to end. Don’t get me wrong, the grief and pain is still there, and it is still quite heavy. But there are some other healthier (?) parts of me that maybe are possibly coming back online. This is good?
I was right a few years ago when I said that I thought all of the big things had come through in my memories. While the past two plus weeks have been a huge deal, there wasn’t really anything major or really new that came through. yes a rather large trigger showed up, but i already had all of the pieces for it, I just had no idea that the situation I put myself in would bring it all together. Maybe I got too complacent with being happy and content with my life? And the trauma and the voices of my parents decided that wasn’t acceptable? I do find it rather ironic that I wrote a post updating this space on my life and literally said the words “I’m actually happy right now” and then all of this shit blows up in my face. Yes, yes, yes, I see the horrific irony.
19 years ago I found myself in maybe the first situation I can remember where I was trapped in someone’s house, whose children hated me, and I had no way out. My parents did not care that I felt panicked or afraid being there. The parents of the family I was staying with didn’t give a fuck either. I fell asleep anxious, woke up anxious, and spent the days feeling so out of place. This went on for two weeks and I hated every second of it. During that time my mother promised to come get me to take me to chess club, and yet at the last minute my mother decided she didn’t want to do that, but no one told me, and no one said anything while I sat there on the front porch steps near tears, anxiously watching down the street for her to come get me. 19 years ago, right before my sibling and I were picked up by the family we stayed with, my mother pulled me aside and told me that this family really only wanted my baby sibling, and didn’t actually want me to stay with them. Shellshocked, I sobbed and begged for her to let me stay home. I promised to do anything if only she would let me stay with her. I still remember the smirk on her face as she all but kicked me out the door when it came time for me to leave.
I can’t piece together all the rest of the triggers with this, but I know it’s all connected to everything that has happened over the past month. The trauma is always all connected, even if the connections don’t quite seem to make sense. my entire childhood is one packed interconnected trauma fuck fest. I’m not sure I’m going to understand what’s fully happened to me over the past month until more of my perspective returns and I can access the parts of my brain that are locked away right now. I’m still ashamed and feel embarrassed about how badly I’ve spiraled and have shattered. I am trying, and now I do feel like I’m truly fighting for this, to have compassion for myself and understanding. I don’t want to get defensive of my brokenness and use that as a weapon to push people away. I understand the desire to do that, but I don’t want to. I want to learn what I can from how my brain and body collapsed, and I want to try to not have this happen again, at least not this fully.