disappearing…

The grief feels extremely heavy tonight. It feels like I’m drowning and I want to just disappear. I want to disappear and maybe the pain would lessen or even maybe numb. I am feeling grief that’s uncomfortably close to how I felt when phil and I were forced apart all those years ago. That feeling of losing someone who means more to me than I can even put into words.

I feel heartbroken, I feel so weary. I miss my partner, I miss talking with them, I miss knowing what our relationship is. I feel so unsure and unstable of where I stand with them. And I feel like an asshole for wanting to have closure or clarity or whatever it is that we need. I feel confused and hurt by how strange their actions have been in the past two weeks. Hurt by how they told me to my face that they put me on a shelf to deal with later and wasn’t going to say anything to me until they could “take me off the shelf.” Hurt because that goes against what we had talked about before of what we would or wouldn’t do if we had an issue with each other. I feel like I don’t know what to expect from them. I see any text from them and start panicking. I think it’s because I keep expecting a text that they’re breaking up with me. I feel like I am being punished and blamed, and I can’t even explain myself because of the situation they’re in right now.

I don’t know how much of this grief is mine or how much is some of theirs. I feel shame for being so emotional. I feel heartbroken and lost and weird that I am feeling so much. I am worried that I have been too vulnerable and am going to have to drag myself away from them with another shattered heart. And I honestly don’t think I can handle that again.

I wish I could tell them that I wanted to cancel the 15th because I didn’t feel safe in my own body. Not that I didn’t feel safe with them, but I didn’t clarify that because I thought I was going to have a chance to explain everything in person. I wish I could explain why i left the way I did after the concert, and how utterly devastated I am that I wasn’t able to celebrate their birthday the way I wanted to. I want to explain what happened to me at the show, and how much I needed help but didn’t know who to ask and how trapped I felt in my head.

I am so sorry I wasn’t able to be there for them as their dad passed away. But I also don’t feel like they wanted me there. I felt pushed out and it hurt so much to know they were hurting and grieving and I couldn’t be there, or I wasn’t allowed to be there?

I am remembering what it felt like when I lost my nesting partner and couldn’t talk to him for over 6 months. I remember how shattered I felt, and I feel similarly about this. I have so many fears and worries. I am so afraid that they’re going to decide to call it quits and just permanently put me on a shelf and walk away. I am worried that we will never be able to get back to what we had prior to two weeks ago.

I keep feeling like I’m not allowed to care, or Im not caring the right way, or that they don’t want me to care. I don’t know what to do, I feel absolutely helpless and lost, I feel heartbroken and unsure that I even have any good standing with them left. I have turned off alerts from them on my phone so I can maybe stop having panic attacks every time I get a text from them. I am deactivating facebook and instagram because I can’t handle seeing them interact with other people and ignore me. It hurts so bad to have realized that they liked every other comment on their post except mine.

I don’t feel like I have any whole pieces left to give. I don’t want to keep going, I don’t want to keep pushing and trying to funtion. i didn’t know I could cry this much. I got a text from this morning, and I started tearing up standing in starbucks waiting for my drink. It almost surprised me that my intuition was right last night. I am still struggling to figure out what is my intuition and what is trauma masquerading as intuition. And that scares me, because I’m having thoughts and feelings that we are done, but is that intuition or trauma? It’s having only one side of the story and having no clue as to where they are at makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I can’t trust my brain, and the things my brain is telling me doesn’t make any sense to who they were before all of the things blew up. I have a sneaking suspicion that the gut feelings I am having are intuition and foretelling.

This afternoon I thought I was doing okay, I thought I was past the hardest and rawest grief. But this evening it’s an unceasing wave upon wave of grief and heartache and tears. I feel like my heart is physically being squeezed and every bit of pain is being wrung out. My chest hurts and I know this is what grief feels and tastes like.

I have so much grief and worry about how damaged my brain is due to trauma. I know I have lost so much, and I feel so trapped by my own brain and the things that were done to me. I am still feeling the whispers of my dad’s fingers and the coolness of his hands on the back of my neck. I know that whenever I flinch or tic my head, it’s because I am feeling his hands on my neck or shoulder. I can’t even feel angry or frustrated right now, I just feel grief; wild broken wailing grief. I don’t even want to feel angry. I feel like I’ve let them down and I can’t/am not allowed to apologize or try to repair mend things. I am in this grieving heartbroken limbo and carrying all of the grief of disappointing and letting them down a well as the grief and loss that fucking trigger brought up too. It’s a lot and I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job holding things up or together. I want to crawl into bed and not get back up again. I am so so weary.

I have no choice but to keep going. I have my kids I have to show up for, I can’t just give up. Although, it’s possible to emotionally and mentally give up, but continue to force my body to keep going. I think this is why I now have so many bruises all over my legs. I know this only happens when I’m really dissociated from my body, and I guess I have been more so than I thought. Every day, new bruises are showing up and I don’t know where they came from. puncturing my knee on the bed frame yesterday was almost a relief because I could feel the spot that was bleeding. But I can’t feel it anymore. So much of my body is numb; numb with grief, trauma, and exhaustion.

I hate this. I hate feeling so lost and helpless. I hate feeling completely disconnected from my partner. I hate feeling like I’m being punished by them, I hate feeling like they don’t want to hear from me at all, and being ignored by them. I want to be able to explain everything and end this heartache. Whether that means explaining and then we both walk away, or explaining and there’s more understanding and compassion than I expect. I hate feeling in limbo and the unknown is so scary and anxiety filled.

I have nothing left. I cannot mother myself through this grief. I cannot mother my children and try to keep going and take care of myself. I want to give up. I’m so so close to giving up, giving up sounds like a huge relief. I’ve broken in a way I have only been broken one other time in my life, and this feels even heavier. I think I need to give up, I need to shut everyone out and try to find something to hold on to so I don’t fully drown. I’m the swimmer who’s been trying to make it to shore and the shoreline isn’t getting any closer and it feels easier to just slip beneath the waves rather than keep fighting and keeping trying. I want to drown. There, that’s the truth. I want to be done, finished, drowned. I don’t want to keep feeling like my chest is squeezing tighter and my eyes are blurry because of the tears that haven’t fallen burning down my cheeks. I don’t like this feeling, I don’t want to keep feeling it.