For the Anger and the Grief

It’s been two months since we moved. And in those two months, not only did I face the destabilization of loosing an old place of comfort and safety, I also dealt with significant relational issues, alongside the trying to reground my roots in a new place. Then add in all of the trauma rising up from the virus taking over the world right now, and it’s been a perfect storm of grief, anger, mourning, and fighting redefine my space. I’ve been left holding shreds of what I once thought was my in-person community.

I have lost community, the community of which was so healing to my womb and had answered the wailing call of its spirit. I not only lost it, it was ripped away with seemingly no regard to what it meant to me or how much I needed that space. These were the very people who share about holding space for others and yet they did not allow space for me in the entire situation. Seeing pictures of them gathering online because of the social distancing last New Moon further drove the knife into my heart.

Having been given no space for my side of the story, or even to ask questions, this matter has remained a knife in my heart and such weight on my shoulders at how I cannot resolve it when neither other person wants to resolve it. This anger is my bodyguard because I know how much grief it is holding back and protecting. The three of us all couldn’t be adults and resolve miscommunication or vague accusations that were flung around and honest sincere questions were ignored and also twisted.

I wrote the following a few weeks ago and wanted to share it here.

To the ones who decided I was too angry, too unkind. To the one who tried to Kill me and stuff me into her box. To the one who got annoyed and angry that I had opinions that didn’t line up with her own. To the one who forced and reinforced her narrative. To the one who did not Listen, to the one who TOLD me how I felt. To the one who passed on the vague accusations and then threw them in my face. To you both, you two who ripped from me community and beat me down without a voice.

I ask why. Why did you decide it was me who was going to receive the lashes of your trauma? Why did you decide it was me who would bear the full weight of the responsibilities and consequences? Why did you put words in my mouth that I never said? Why did you blame me for the very things you were feeling? Why was there never any space for me? For my valid emotions? For my valid reactions? Why did you use my very words against me and my own beliefs and how much I hold space for trauma? You both knew the exact right words to use against me, you both backed me and tied me up into a corner I couldn’t break out of without breaking my own word.

My heart is breaking, it is broken, and it broke even more watching the community I needed and was so blessed from gather last night without me. I am not welcome there anymore, you both made that clear. I was created to be the monster, the one you told me you were afraid of. But all that showed me was how much you are afraid of yourselves. You are afraid of the shadows my very being brought to the surface and I became the one to blame.

I want to lash out, I want to make both of you pay for how much you both broke me. I want to show you what real anger looks like, not the thing you accused me of. I want to use the things you both shared with me in confidence against you like you did to me.

But I won’t. Even as my heart is broken, and my soul is wailing, I will respect and hold in silence the things you both shared and allowed for me to see. I will not disrespect the trust you gave to me, but nor will I allow either of you to hold my trust ever again. Do you even see what you have done? Do you even have any idea what you did and how much damage you caused? For two people who talk about holding space for others, you neither held space for me. You did not hold space for me, you silenced me, you gaslit me, you shut me down and projected on to me, and made sure I couldn’t say anything.

I hope you both know and understand the full weight of what you’ve done. I hope the pain that I feel hits you both like a wall of bricks. I hope you realize that this is not how you respect or hold friendship and community and circle. I better understand why one of you have never and will never have close female friendships. You push away anyone who has SEEN you because they become a threat in your eyes. And then you break them and destroy any friendship there was before they can hurt you first. What I don’t understand is how you, number two, followed. Are you so unsure of your own truth that you just follow the one you believe the most and are unable to stand unbiased? I have seen how you just vomit words when you’re upset, and I would hope that what you did to me was that and you will be able to see what you’ve done. And how dare you tell me you offered to help, and when I went to you asking for that help, you threw it in my face like a despicable piece of garbage. You never even gave me a chance to explain that I was asking for the help you had offered. Shame on you, so much shame be poured on you for reneging and then throwing it back in my face. At the very least, you both could have given me the space to share my perspective. I held the uncomfortable space for yours, but I received no such equal treatment.

I am angry because it is protecting my deep grief. I am so broken because of how much you both ripped from me. I am disappointed because you decided the outcome before I had even said anything. I am disappointed and saddened and grieved that you both chose to listen to your trauma and react out of trauma instead of being able to step outside of the emotions to find a middle ground. I won’t be coming back from this. I won’t be reaching back out to either of you unless you both do some serious work and understand how damaging this all was.

It is deeply painful to have had these words pour out of me. It is barely touching the depths to which my heart broke. And, I’m sure if either of those two read this, they will continue to paint me as the villain. My own words were used against me. I was told “I just can’t seem to say the right thing” in response to my valid and confused questions trying to figure out what was going on. I took responsibility for anything and everything I said or did knowingly that caused harm. But even that wasn’t enough. I was shamed for my triggers, I was called too harsh, angry, and unkind. All vague accusations that when asked, I never got any answer about what I had really done. I sought to learn, and grow, I wanted to repair these friendships that I had held so dear. I wanted to learn what I had done wrong so I could correct it and make reparations if need be.

But that was not to be.

This whole situation has made me skittish about anyone else who I have met in person and have held space with in this physical area I live in. It is not the first time narcissistic behaviors of people I thought were friends have brought me down like this. In fact, this is now the third time I have had these same vague accusations told to me and then when asked, no one can back them up and actually tell me what I’ve done. So yes, it makes me very cautious and distrusting of anyone who calls me friend. There have been countless moments of me sobbing to my spouse and asking what did I do? What has happened? I sought counsel from those I deeply trust and who have proven their safety to me, I did not lie or cover up anything I had said or done. I asked them over and over “do you see anything I’m doing or saying that would line up with what they are accusing me of? Am I doing something wrong?” I sought wisdom and counsel because the very things I was accused of are my worst fears when it comes to being someone’s friend. And somehow they knew the exact things to hit me hardest with. They knew the right words to say, the right things to accuse that would harm me the most. My own vulnerability was taken and then weaponized against me.

Recovering from this is going to take a long time. Especially knowing how close I live to both. And by the way, should either of you read this and want to talk, you need to be the one to reach out. I am not putting myself into harms way again.

I am angry because of how deep the grief runs. I am angry because of the unfairness of the entire situation and how I got shut down before I could even say anything. My power is in words, my ability to use words and use them accurately and vulnerably. When my words are taken away or twisted against me, I am trapped, and the voice I have fought so hard to have has been silenced. I will never not speak out against that. I will never stop fighting to regain my voice.