Birds of a Feather Flock Together

I’ve been seriously editing my book over the past few weeks, and it’s brought a lot to mind.

I am quite literally reading through my journey from an outside perspective. It’s odd to find myself staring in the faces of the ghosts passing me by; the ghosts of when I was first baptized. The ghosts of when my first friendship fell apart. The ghosts of the church where I had my first crush.

For being so young, I feel so old. For being so young, my soul feels thousands of years old. I am slowly meeting people out here in Colorado, but it’s a long process. I met our parking space neighbor the other day, and it was fun to laugh over how narrow our parking spots are, especially for our SUV’s.

I’m consistently learning nowadays; learning what I do or don’t like, and being vocal about that. I have entered back into the medical world with seeing a chiropractor twice a week, which is huge for me. I’m learning this go-round with my health will not be as traumatic as it was 8 years ago. This is one brave step I’ve made since moving here. 

I have always wanted to write a book. I started a novel two years ago and wrote over 50,000 words. When a dear, dear friend of mine brought the idea for my current book to me, I immediately felt a pull to write it. It amazes me that it is actually being written, and in fact, almost done. This is a second brave step I’ve made since moving out here.

There is nothing like a move to make me see just who is worth keeping in my life and who I can move on from. I’ve moved a lot. I’ve moved across and around the country multiple times, so I kind of know about this. Maybe this sounds pretentious and who am I to judge who the best friends are? But here’s the thing; I’ve earned the right to be healthy, to have healthy relationships. After the hell I’ve been through for most of my life, I am very careful about who I interact with and who I let in to my life. While writing my story, the faces of those I have know over the years keep flashing before my eyes. Most bring smiles of happy memories, or at least fond memories. A few bring shudders of thankfulness for not being around that person anymore. What is especially fun to watch is how social media availability has allowed me to reconnect with a lot of people from my past. I had no idea I have known so many people!

Friendship is a sticky topic. I am a part of many groups on Facebook in particular where many, many homeschool “survivors” gather. I spend my time watching mainly, interacting only when I feel I have something to say. I had a dream a week ago where a friend I’ve known for 18 years was in a situation where they had to pick me or someone else. The conditions surrounding the choice was to pick the person they had known the longest. That was me. But as I stood there, I wanted this person to be able to pick the person they were closest too, not the person they had known the longest. I have known a good number of people for a very long time. Some of those people are still good friends, but not best friends. I have known people for only a few years, and they are closer than those I’ve known longer. I have been loyal to a fault when it came to my friendships. Not anymore though.

There is something awesome about having people to talk to who can relate to what you’ve been through. Truly, it is like being heard for the first time. There are great pros and cons to this though. And it is something I’ve thought a lot about over the past year and a half.

While, yes, it is incredible to have friends who relate and completely understand, there is a danger in this. Those friends can trigger each other since they often have the same triggers. If you’re both learning for the first time how to interact in society, how are you going to learn from each other? It’s almost like the blind leading the blind. This is why I’ve been slowly backing away from interacting too much with the communities I’m a part of. It is awesome to have a safe place to gripe and vent about things happening that only they would get. But I have needed and still need stability. I need friends who are more normal than I. Hence, why I’m putting so much effort into building the new blog with my friend Riley. She’s awesome, you guys, and I’m having so much fun exploring something so incredibly fascinating as makeup and fashion.

I want to see myself grow and expand in ways I’ve never known before. I want to be successful with my business. And not just successful, but I want to thoroughly enjoy whatever I choose to do. I want to publish my book; but not only that, I want to write and publish more books. I want to leave this life looking back and not regretting the life I’ve lived. This is something very important to Phil and I. We’re constantly evaluating our lives individually and together. Looking for ways to branch out and take a chance on something. I’m so proud of him for pursuing his passion in game development. He is diligently and carefully programming and developing these games. We’ve both been hurt by many people in the past 7 years, and it makes me hurt to see him have trouble trusting others. But we’re both pushing forward – we’re both buckling down and building the life we want. And I couldn’t be more at peace and content. This doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days; those days are not even half as bad as they used to be.

So here’s my challenge for you. Get out there, make one new friend who doesn’t have the same background as you. If you are already doing that, congrats! You’re doing awesome!! If this seems scary, and believe me when I say I know, it freaks the crap out of me, then just go for it! I’m stepping out of my comfort zones, join me??

Welcome to My New Life – Welcome to Nerium International

Yesterday, I officially joined Nerium International.

And last Tuesday, I saw a chiropractor for the first time in 8 1/2 years.

These two tie together, I promise.


I’ve had experience with MLM’s before in the past. I used to sell Norwex products, and in fact, still live by them. I use their cloths every day, and I couldn’t live without having a window cloth in the car to keep my sunglasses clean! I have personal experience with Norwex, I know their products truly work. I regret not going far with Norwex. I was only 16 when I first started selling their products. I was too young, too stressed for one so young. Having parties and being a business woman wasn’t something I could juggle.

When we moved here to Colorado, there was still a lot of toxicity left I had to rid myself of. I am completely cut off from both of my parents now. Because of that, I can now fully rebuild my life, and am feeling healthier than I can ever remember. I wanted to do something serious with my life. I am writing my book, but that’s not quite enough. I just started a new blog with an awesome new friend, but I wanted something that was mine; my idea, mine to earn money with, and mine to believe in.

As I started poking around here in the Denver area, I first looked up Norwex. I know that company, I know the products, haven’t kept up with all of the new ones, but I believe in those products. What I didn’t expect was finding 40+ Norwex Consultants just in my zip code. When I was first a part of that company, it was just starting. I was one of only three consultants in Maryland.

Here’s the thing; it wasn’t my idea. I was stressed, in an abusive situation, and physically was starting to fall apart. I was 16. So I dropped the company.

I wish I had stuck with Norwex because of how insanely well they’ve expanded over the past 8 years. Their products work, and in fact, I need to find a consultant here to get some replacements.

This is why I wanted to sit back and watch Nerium for a little bit. I wanted to see if this company had the potential I had seen with Norwex. And I certainly didn’t want to be left behind again! After sampling the products, my mind was pretty much made up, but I had to watch for a bit longer. 

Now, I can get to seeing a chiropractor last week. While I was officially signing up on the 16th, I figured this was a perfect opportunity to ask a medical professional about Nerium’s products. I had been doing my own research, and was impressed with what I had been seeing. But I still wanted that final yes or no from a medical professional. I first mentioned about joining Nerium, and my doctor immediately acknowledged she had heard of Nerium, as well as saying they have really good products.

I then pulled up the supplement facts table for EHT and showed it to her.

Nerium International EHT

She took one look at it and told me she wants me to take this. That’s all I needed to hear. I’ve spent enough time with enough doctors to know they’re not going to highly recommend something unless they know it’s a good product and good for you. I’ve spent enough time having doctors not listen to me. When this doctor took everything I said seriously, as well as confirmed my questions about Nerium, that’s all I needed.

So there you have it. I’m creating something out of my life that is solely mine. I am choosing to be a part of a company I am willing to get behind. I am choosing to move forward with getting help for my health. I’m scared though. I was neglected by many health professionals 8 years ago. I have lived with severe back pain, spasms, and tightness for 8 years.

I hope you are willing to at least listen to what I have to say about Nerium International. I am excited. This is something I want to do! Me, this is my choice!

If any of this piques your interest, would you like to try a sample? Message me, comment on this post, find me on Facebook! 

Here’s to a grand new beginning, and I greatly look forward to being the person I want to be.

Big updates and shifting paths

My blog will be shifting and changing over the next few weeks and months. With the coming book, I’m planning on working towards a named website (cmroyer.com or something like that). As well as introducing a new business venture I am starting in exactly a week.

My book, Through the Dark Door, will hopefully be released by the end of the year. It’s not definite, but I am not feeling pressured to have it published as fast as possible. I have two specifically dedicated people who are editing, and I can’t write this book without their help. I’m in the major editing phase now, having already edited about 1000 words from a 21,100 word manuscript.

However, my book isn’t my biggest update. My big news is this business venture I’m joining. Next Sunday, I am joining a team of brand partners with Nerium International. And let me just say, I am a major skeptic of multi level marketing.

I have several friends who are a part of this business.Since finding out about it a few months ago, I’ve sat back and watched. I wanted to see if Nerium was really what they said it was. I’m doing a lot of research, watching videos, and reading reviews. And I’ll have to say, I’m impressed. I have tried two of their four products, and was surprised at how well they worked.

Nerium International started out as a skin care company, and now is called an anti-aging company. Skin care is a big deal for me. I had a lot of acne while growing up, and it was the bane of my existence. Once I figured out acne was manageable, I have worked hard to make my face as clear as possible. I’ve also struggled with dryness which bothers me a lot more now than it used it. I’ve gone through multiple lotions, and oils, and only a small handful have actually worked.

When I tried the Night and Day cream from Nerium, I was very skeptical. I didn’t want to deal with trying a new lotion or night mask/cream all over again. I had finally settled on something that kind of sorta worked. Why mess that up? I wish now I had taken a picture of my face before and after. My skin felt smoother, moisturized, and all of my acne was gone.

Now, I dislike marketing. I don’t like being that kind of person who gets up in other people’s faces about this product or that. Which is why I had to wait and watch this company to see where it was going first. I consulted my cards several times, and had long conversation with my friend Lauren. I looked up reviews, looked up ingredients, and made sure I was weighing all the pros and cons. It’s a risk to join a business where you are an active part of building it. I want to make sure anyone I talk to about Nerium knows I am personally vouching for these products. I like them, and have seen them work. I haven’t tried all of them yet, but I am working on that! I want to be known as a reliable and trustworthy person. That is something I am making sure I can do with this company.

My blog is shifting. This time for good. I am not fully separating from the old topics of my blog. But I am sure it is time to start moving on. I feel like I have said all I want to say about my past, and it is time to restart. This feels right. It feels like what I’m supposed to be doing and I am excited! Help me celebrate this? I have wanted to actually do something with my life. It finally feels like I’m on a path for where that is going to happen.

Long story short, I’ll be selling Nerium International products next Sunday. I will post about it again then as well. If any of you who still read my blog find this interesting, please let me know! comment or email me at callandra.royer at gmail.com. If you want to know more about the brand partner side, I’d love to answer questions. Or if you want to know more about the products, I can get you a five-day sample of the Night cream. Just ask!

Turning the Pages

Writing has been something sustaining for me in many different forms, this blog a huge part of that over the past four years. I have struggled with finding the balance of writing the truth about my own life, writing about my own opinions, and even in some ways, feeling a sense of competition with fellow bloggers and a pull to keep up with their opinion pieces.

I have never been the kind of person who easily goes along with the status quo. I may keep up with, or at least try, with a trend, but it won’t be too long before I’ve dropped out of the rat race and stepped back to do my own thing. This year has been a big year so far, what with a cross country move in two weeks, Ender turning one, getting settled in Colorado. It has also become the year I have cut my parents off completely, and the year I hope to publish a book.

Yes, I am writing a book, a nonfiction book about where I am now with my beliefs and how I got here. I plan for it to be a somewhat short ebook published on Amazon Kindle, and maybe from there I will get it printed. A lot of what I’ve put in the book are things I haven’t written about here on my blog. This has proved to be a rather revealing undertaking as I hit several parts while writing this book that left me spooked because of the very specific memories they brought up. I have been purposefully quiet about my journey from being a Christian to where I am now, and I chose to keep things like that for the sake of wanting to be genuine in whatever choices I made.

I am not sure exactly when my book will be available, but it is looking like October or September will probably be the release date.  It is the biggest tell all I have written yet with regards to my spiritual journey. I hope it answers questions and I hope to be open to new ones being asked. This book is the first time I have written anything with such detail as to the specifics of the events surrounding my utter falling apart when it came to my belief system. I have never written anything that brings all of the pieces into one place, right next to each other.

Writing the pieces all right next to each other has revealed new parts I didn’t realize were connected. I sincerely hope this book of mine will continue to help people, but will also help others be more compassionate and allow others to have their own paths.

I will post more when I know more solid information about when the book will be released! Thank you to all who have been supportive of my journey, I deeply appreciate your care and understanding and how you’ve asked questions instead of trying to make me believe what you think I should believe. That means more to me than anything else.

Coping

We just came up for air after two weeks of rainy, overcast, cold weather. I forgot how much I hated not seeing the sun, especially after having the sun out all day long for most days. It brought to the surface a realization I have been more frustrated than anything else about. I am a lot more depressed than I thought. I have learned how to cope and function very well, even to the point where I forget I am depressed until there is a mess, dishes in the sink, or laundry to be done and I realize I’m standing there with no energy or drive to do it.

I have always been good about forcing myself to do something. It is very rare when I don’t push myself into something I know I need to do.

I see posts about depression pass on my news feed on facebook, I read these posts and completely agree and relate with the lists or bullet points listed inside.

Phil gets home from work and asks what’s for dinner, and my answer is almost always, “I don’t know yet.” Ender stays in his jammies at least half the day unless we’re going somewhere. To find energy to change his clothes, some days, yeah, it just doesn’t happen. Ender and I have fun though, we listen to music, dance, he reads books and plays. But on a lot of days, I can’t function beyond getting my shower in the morning, making breakfast for the two of us, sometimes I have energy to do dishes. I feel quite accomplished when I actually get dishes done. It’s amazing how much one can ignore before it becomes too much.

I don’t write a lot anymore. It’s rare for me to sit down in front of my computer and actually write more than just a one liner in the search bar of google or pinterest. I don’t have any words left. They come to me in spurts of randomness, they don’t always translate into a coherent post. I am tired, I am physically weary of entering the fray and writing things I know I will get flak for. I am not going to hide behind a fake smile and pretend my depression isn’t my constant companion.

I thought I loved some of the previous places I have lived, but no, I can say I truly love Colorado. It is home in a way no other place has been. I love the sunshine, the sense of freedom I breathe in here. It is a place where I can breathe, rest, and allow myself to open up and let the sunshine in. It has helped and is helping keep my depression at bay, even if it is still there, it helps to have distractions and not the bad kind. But I’m coming up on Ender’s first birthday, and I am remembering just because I do feel better, doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet with postpartum depression. I am grateful that the anxiety fell away for the most part around 8 months postpartum.

It’s a weird place to be in to be able to look upon yourself and wonder at the lack of emotions. Emotions break through at unexpected moments, and it’s usually moments of frustration or when I’m suddenly triggered. Ironically it’s the messiness that triggers me and it’s the messes I try and usually succeed in ignoring. I can usually maintain a continually calm exterior and it does take a lot for me to get worked up, but when I do, it’s big because it usually has to do with a major trigger and there are only a totally of three people who hold those kinds of triggers for me now. And they are people I avoid at ALL costs.

I live with depression. This is my daily life. I live with 24/7 fibromyalgia, which I still don’t know if that is what triggered my depression or if my depression triggered my fibro. It is a cycle I don’t think I will ever know the answer to, and I’m okay with that.

I know how to cope with my depression. This is the fifth week in a row I have worked out four or more days. I am forcing myself to keep up with it, doing 15 mins of yoga almost every day has been helping, and I am starting to notice a difference. The depression is still there, but I cope, I live, I breathe, I have my good days and my bad days. I know the things that trigger the bad days, and I try my best to stay ahead of the triggers before they overtake me. Overtaking me means I snap at Phil, my hands stop working well, I can’t grab things, and I want to cry. While working out both helps bring energy and purpose it also brings more aches. My life is a continuation of achy shoulders, back pain, almost no chair is comfortable. Stand up, sit down, it’s the same. But I know how to cope with that too, and most days it doesn’t bother me.

Over the past two months I have had two separate channelings with my mentor.  While the information I was given is for me alone, it has brought a lot to mind and has given me a lot to ponder. I am pursuing my tarot readings more, and the more I dig into this new realm, the more peace and freedom I feel. It is one of the tools I am using as a distraction as well as something to give me drive and purpose for my life. I am beginning work on an e-book in which I want to more fully flesh out the journey I’ve been on over the past two years specifically.

I am coping, and that’s the best I can do these days. Someone told me they believed if I had stayed in Maryland any longer I would have gotten very sick. I agree with this person, I felt the storm coming and even though two weeks for a move was really really fast, it couldn’t have been at any better of a time.

So here’s to continue to recover “me,” as well as healing and finding the balance of my life, health, and state of being. I can only take one day, one week, one month at a time now, I want to begin to thrive again, and I think that is coming very soon.

Child Abuse Awareness Month

Being the survivor of childhood/adulthood abuse is not an easy place to be. And I say ‘survivor’ not victim, because I am not the abuse I suffered, I am continually striving to rise out of the pit and to protect myself, parent myself, and heal myself. There are times when I realize just how much I’ve had to do to pick myself up and make sure I am in most ways a functioning adult and that is heavy knowledge. I wasn’t taught anything about how to be an adult. I just knew how to take care of kids, how to grocery shop for a large family, how to cook, clean, be chief book and . I didn’t know anything about money, I didn’t know anything about budgeting. I taught myself or carefully asked people I hesitantly trusted.

Child abuse is not taken seriously in this country, especially among the people where it happens the most. Child abuse is not taken seriously when it’s the adult victims/survivors of said abuse finally breaking decades of silence to speak about what they endured. Those adults, myself included, are ridiculed for making things up, for not remembering circumstances correctly, and for just being bitter, angry, depressed. Well, let me tell you something, children have the purest bullshit meter I have ever seen in any human being. A child knows when they’re being lied to, when someone is not to be trusted, but what to do we adults do? We laugh off their terror, we brush off their tears because what do children know. It makes me sick to my gut to see children dismissed especially in situations of suspected or confirmed abuse.

I learned fast to not cry when talking about the daily abuse I saw and experienced at home. Somehow my tears of absolute heartbreak were seen as a manipulative tool and were taken to mean I was trying to make my story real when it wasn’t. There’s a part of a child that simply dies when they face a constant stream of abuse. If you know what to look for, it’s visible in their empty eyes, their lack of enthusiasm for activities, it’s their acting out and bullying other children. Adults look at children who act out or who even bully and all they see are misbehaving children and they look on them with disgust. What adults and other parents don’t look for is the cause of the acting out. Yes, I’m aware that some children just act out because they can, but more often than not, there is some sort of abuse triggering their need for attention or their need to dominate other children.

I have watched my siblings be those misbehaved, acting out children that no other family wanted or wants anything to do with. I have sat by and watched as we were rejected by other kids because we were so desperate for love and attention. I have also seen people brush me off time and time again because they just saw or see rebellious kids, not the hurting, broken children I see because of the abuse they daily suffer.

My sister is one of the strongest and bravest people I know, but she is seen as a rebellious little girl who is out of control. She is seen like that by the very family who offered to help, by the parents who are friends with my parents. I understand where they are coming from with their point of view, but I see the tears, I see the brokenness she tries to hide, I see the fear and pain from years of being thrown around, emotionally and physically. The adults don’t see that, they just see what they want to see because it is too hard to face the reality of child abuse. It is too hard to dive in and try to fight something of such a strong stigma as child abuse.

I understand the fear of hardship when it comes to people who could be advocating for more awareness of what really goes on in a large percentage of homeschooling homes. Tackling such a huge problem as child abuse takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of breaking in you as you face the realities these kids, myself included, have had to face and still face on a day to day basis. I don’t know very many people, outside of the private circles I am apart of on facebook, who are willing to put in the enormous amount of effort it takes to fight those perpetuating child abuse. Reality isn’t pretty when you enter the world of child abuse, but shame on you world for not taking seriously the horrific crime of child abuse.

There is so much more I want to say, but I am running out of steam now. I am constantly amazed at the scientific studies that are starting to come out revealing the drastic effects of emotional abuse on the brains of children. I don’t understand how people can be outraged about something in the media but then completely ignore the realities of that happening in their backyard. Innocent ignorance I can tolerate, it’s the turning a blind eye upon those who are hurting I can’t.

Pay attention to what happens around you, maybe you can help a child who is broken inside.

Making it Home

With hashtags like #royersgowest and #makingithome, I have been documenting our journey to Colorado on instagram. Taking pictures and posting them of the memories we left behind, of the new ones we have made so far, and of the crazy chaos that happened with moving in two weeks. Instagram is kind of funny at times, especially when it’s so easy to fake a happy face, or to make things sound better than they really are. Despite some partially major hiccups and some disappointing circumstances, our move was relatively smooth. It was almost too easy, both Phil and I would stop and look at each, voicing aloud our wondering of when the other shoe was going to drop. Things have rarely come easy for us. It is rare for us to put our minds to something and for it to happen right away, or even without any pitfalls along the way. Maybe the rough part of this move was everything leading up to it. The disappointing results of trying to move to California, the constant interviewing for Phil with no results, or at least no results that would have actually worked for us.

We’ve been in Colorado for three weeks now, but it actually feels a bit longer. We’ve adjusted for the most part to the higher altitude, although, my nose is still feeling really dry, and I’m having to totally readjust my normal hair care routine as the lack of humidity has kind of messed that up. It never ceases to amaze me when I turn out of our apartment complex and there are the mountains all spread out in front of me. I’ve decided we are at the perfect distance away from them, as we can see the highest peaks stacked behind the closer, lower peaks. At certain points on a few of the roads, we can see all the way to Denver, as well as see the haze that sits over the city on most days. I am learning the street names very fast, and already am able to drive around without needing to use my gps, for the most part. I can’t believe the amount of stores within walking distance, not only that, but within short driving distance. This really is a popular vacationing spot and it still feels at times like we’re just on vacation, not actually here to stay.

Even though the scenery, the atmosphere, the weather, having our own place above ground with tons of windows and sunlight is amazing, it’s lonely. We haven’t met a whole lot of people yet, we’ve been spending the majority of our free time trying to turn the blank apartment we were handed into a place of comfort and coziness. I miss the people I saw somewhat frequently back in Maryland, and it’s been difficult trying to shake off the chaos of the past month and settle without having someone to come over and keep me company. I don’t feel like I’ve painted a very realistic picture through the steady stream of instagram pictures I’ve posted to document our journey. It’s been difficult to hear people say they’re so envious or jealous of us when we’ve felt the loss of having to leave people we love behind and be in an entirely new place, all by ourselves, two hours behind those we used to see all the time. It was rough on us trying to get everything in place so we could leave on the 6th. I think both Phil and I just ducked our heads down and dove into the craziness that became the move and even though we are a very good team, we lost sight of each other just trying to survive through the move. It’s been like seeing the world with new eyes as we reconnect and settle in our new home. We both feel freer and like we can truly be ourselves here.

The good thing is that we adapt quickly, and it appears Ender has inherited that trait as well. He has been loving all of the space he now have to crawl and explore, and it’s hilarious to call for him and to find him sitting up, looking very curiously at a vent, then laughing out loud when he sees one of us coming. I was shocked at how well he did on the plane, and how well he’s done since then. There has not been one moment where I have felt he has lost it completely and everything new had thrown him off. Ender seems to have taken everything in stride, and is even sleeping very well in his OWN room. It’s a huge relief to me to see him adjust so fast and easily. He loves it out here, and I think both Phil and I are able to breathe easier knowing this move hasn’t thrown him off the way we thought it would.

I’m beginning to feel more at home here, beginning to love the way the sky looks, the way the clouds come in over the mountains, and especially the warmth of the sunlight almost every single day. There are a lot of kids in our complex, and it’s heartwarming to hear them laughing and playing their games after school lets out in the afternoons. There is, however, one tiny downside. Thanks to the legality of weed in our new state, our downstairs neighbor smokes. A lot. Frequently. We spent the first few days after we had moved in, taping up an attic door in a closet, investing in air fresheners, and taping up the poorly insulated window where the smell was coming in the strongest. We don’t smell a thing anymore which is awesome.

I am finally feeling more grounded and have been able to start reading my cards again, and I’m very encouraged by what is coming up. I’m excited about the new opportunities I have now, as well as the lightness I feel with now having almost 2000 miles between me and those who are poisonous to me. A weight is gone, and I feel like for the first time I can breathe deeply and not worry about what anyone thinks of me, or if I’m going to get a lecture for doing what I believe is right for me.

Colorado is our new home, and I’m eager to see what else awaits us here.