I’ve been seriously editing my book over the past few weeks, and it’s brought a lot to mind.
I am quite literally reading through my journey from an outside perspective. It’s odd to find myself staring in the faces of the ghosts passing me by; the ghosts of when I was first baptized. The ghosts of when my first friendship fell apart. The ghosts of the church where I had my first crush.
For being so young, I feel so old. For being so young, my soul feels thousands of years old. I am slowly meeting people out here in Colorado, but it’s a long process. I met our parking space neighbor the other day, and it was fun to laugh over how narrow our parking spots are, especially for our SUV’s.
I’m consistently learning nowadays; learning what I do or don’t like, and being vocal about that. I have entered back into the medical world with seeing a chiropractor twice a week, which is huge for me. I’m learning this go-round with my health will not be as traumatic as it was 8 years ago. This is one brave step I’ve made since moving here.
I have always wanted to write a book. I started a novel two years ago and wrote over 50,000 words. When a dear, dear friend of mine brought the idea for my current book to me, I immediately felt a pull to write it. It amazes me that it is actually being written, and in fact, almost done. This is a second brave step I’ve made since moving out here.
There is nothing like a move to make me see just who is worth keeping in my life and who I can move on from. I’ve moved a lot. I’ve moved across and around the country multiple times, so I kind of know about this. Maybe this sounds pretentious and who am I to judge who the best friends are? But here’s the thing; I’ve earned the right to be healthy, to have healthy relationships. After the hell I’ve been through for most of my life, I am very careful about who I interact with and who I let in to my life. While writing my story, the faces of those I have know over the years keep flashing before my eyes. Most bring smiles of happy memories, or at least fond memories. A few bring shudders of thankfulness for not being around that person anymore. What is especially fun to watch is how social media availability has allowed me to reconnect with a lot of people from my past. I had no idea I have known so many people!
Friendship is a sticky topic. I am a part of many groups on Facebook in particular where many, many homeschool “survivors” gather. I spend my time watching mainly, interacting only when I feel I have something to say. I had a dream a week ago where a friend I’ve known for 18 years was in a situation where they had to pick me or someone else. The conditions surrounding the choice was to pick the person they had known the longest. That was me. But as I stood there, I wanted this person to be able to pick the person they were closest too, not the person they had known the longest. I have known a good number of people for a very long time. Some of those people are still good friends, but not best friends. I have known people for only a few years, and they are closer than those I’ve known longer. I have been loyal to a fault when it came to my friendships. Not anymore though.
There is something awesome about having people to talk to who can relate to what you’ve been through. Truly, it is like being heard for the first time. There are great pros and cons to this though. And it is something I’ve thought a lot about over the past year and a half.
While, yes, it is incredible to have friends who relate and completely understand, there is a danger in this. Those friends can trigger each other since they often have the same triggers. If you’re both learning for the first time how to interact in society, how are you going to learn from each other? It’s almost like the blind leading the blind. This is why I’ve been slowly backing away from interacting too much with the communities I’m a part of. It is awesome to have a safe place to gripe and vent about things happening that only they would get. But I have needed and still need stability. I need friends who are more normal than I. Hence, why I’m putting so much effort into building the new blog with my friend Riley. She’s awesome, you guys, and I’m having so much fun exploring something so incredibly fascinating as makeup and fashion.
I want to see myself grow and expand in ways I’ve never known before. I want to be successful with my business. And not just successful, but I want to thoroughly enjoy whatever I choose to do. I want to publish my book; but not only that, I want to write and publish more books. I want to leave this life looking back and not regretting the life I’ve lived. This is something very important to Phil and I. We’re constantly evaluating our lives individually and together. Looking for ways to branch out and take a chance on something. I’m so proud of him for pursuing his passion in game development. He is diligently and carefully programming and developing these games. We’ve both been hurt by many people in the past 7 years, and it makes me hurt to see him have trouble trusting others. But we’re both pushing forward – we’re both buckling down and building the life we want. And I couldn’t be more at peace and content. This doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days; those days are not even half as bad as they used to be.
So here’s my challenge for you. Get out there, make one new friend who doesn’t have the same background as you. If you are already doing that, congrats! You’re doing awesome!! If this seems scary, and believe me when I say I know, it freaks the crap out of me, then just go for it! I’m stepping out of my comfort zones, join me??