Turning the Pages

Writing has been something sustaining for me in many different forms, this blog a huge part of that over the past four years. I have struggled with finding the balance of writing the truth about my own life, writing about my own opinions, and even in some ways, feeling a sense of competition with fellow bloggers and a pull to keep up with their opinion pieces.

I have never been the kind of person who easily goes along with the status quo. I may keep up with, or at least try, with a trend, but it won’t be too long before I’ve dropped out of the rat race and stepped back to do my own thing. This year has been a big year so far, what with a cross country move in two weeks, Ender turning one, getting settled in Colorado. It has also become the year I have cut my parents off completely, and the year I hope to publish a book.

Yes, I am writing a book, a nonfiction book about where I am now with my beliefs and how I got here. I plan for it to be a somewhat short ebook published on Amazon Kindle, and maybe from there I will get it printed. A lot of what I’ve put in the book are things I haven’t written about here on my blog. This has proved to be a rather revealing undertaking as I hit several parts while writing this book that left me spooked because of the very specific memories they brought up. I have been purposefully quiet about my journey from being a Christian to where I am now, and I chose to keep things like that for the sake of wanting to be genuine in whatever choices I made.

I am not sure exactly when my book will be available, but it is looking like October or September will probably be the release date.  It is the biggest tell all I have written yet with regards to my spiritual journey. I hope it answers questions and I hope to be open to new ones being asked. This book is the first time I have written anything with such detail as to the specifics of the events surrounding my utter falling apart when it came to my belief system. I have never written anything that brings all of the pieces into one place, right next to each other.

Writing the pieces all right next to each other has revealed new parts I didn’t realize were connected. I sincerely hope this book of mine will continue to help people, but will also help others be more compassionate and allow others to have their own paths.

I will post more when I know more solid information about when the book will be released! Thank you to all who have been supportive of my journey, I deeply appreciate your care and understanding and how you’ve asked questions instead of trying to make me believe what you think I should believe. That means more to me than anything else.

Coping

We just came up for air after two weeks of rainy, overcast, cold weather. I forgot how much I hated not seeing the sun, especially after having the sun out all day long for most days. It brought to the surface a realization I have been more frustrated than anything else about. I am a lot more depressed than I thought. I have learned how to cope and function very well, even to the point where I forget I am depressed until there is a mess, dishes in the sink, or laundry to be done and I realize I’m standing there with no energy or drive to do it.

I have always been good about forcing myself to do something. It is very rare when I don’t push myself into something I know I need to do.

I see posts about depression pass on my news feed on facebook, I read these posts and completely agree and relate with the lists or bullet points listed inside.

Phil gets home from work and asks what’s for dinner, and my answer is almost always, “I don’t know yet.” Ender stays in his jammies at least half the day unless we’re going somewhere. To find energy to change his clothes, some days, yeah, it just doesn’t happen. Ender and I have fun though, we listen to music, dance, he reads books and plays. But on a lot of days, I can’t function beyond getting my shower in the morning, making breakfast for the two of us, sometimes I have energy to do dishes. I feel quite accomplished when I actually get dishes done. It’s amazing how much one can ignore before it becomes too much.

I don’t write a lot anymore. It’s rare for me to sit down in front of my computer and actually write more than just a one liner in the search bar of google or pinterest. I don’t have any words left. They come to me in spurts of randomness, they don’t always translate into a coherent post. I am tired, I am physically weary of entering the fray and writing things I know I will get flak for. I am not going to hide behind a fake smile and pretend my depression isn’t my constant companion.

I thought I loved some of the previous places I have lived, but no, I can say I truly love Colorado. It is home in a way no other place has been. I love the sunshine, the sense of freedom I breathe in here. It is a place where I can breathe, rest, and allow myself to open up and let the sunshine in. It has helped and is helping keep my depression at bay, even if it is still there, it helps to have distractions and not the bad kind. But I’m coming up on Ender’s first birthday, and I am remembering just because I do feel better, doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet with postpartum depression. I am grateful that the anxiety fell away for the most part around 8 months postpartum.

It’s a weird place to be in to be able to look upon yourself and wonder at the lack of emotions. Emotions break through at unexpected moments, and it’s usually moments of frustration or when I’m suddenly triggered. Ironically it’s the messiness that triggers me and it’s the messes I try and usually succeed in ignoring. I can usually maintain a continually calm exterior and it does take a lot for me to get worked up, but when I do, it’s big because it usually has to do with a major trigger and there are only a totally of three people who hold those kinds of triggers for me now. And they are people I avoid at ALL costs.

I live with depression. This is my daily life. I live with 24/7 fibromyalgia, which I still don’t know if that is what triggered my depression or if my depression triggered my fibro. It is a cycle I don’t think I will ever know the answer to, and I’m okay with that.

I know how to cope with my depression. This is the fifth week in a row I have worked out four or more days. I am forcing myself to keep up with it, doing 15 mins of yoga almost every day has been helping, and I am starting to notice a difference. The depression is still there, but I cope, I live, I breathe, I have my good days and my bad days. I know the things that trigger the bad days, and I try my best to stay ahead of the triggers before they overtake me. Overtaking me means I snap at Phil, my hands stop working well, I can’t grab things, and I want to cry. While working out both helps bring energy and purpose it also brings more aches. My life is a continuation of achy shoulders, back pain, almost no chair is comfortable. Stand up, sit down, it’s the same. But I know how to cope with that too, and most days it doesn’t bother me.

Over the past two months I have had two separate channelings with my mentor.  While the information I was given is for me alone, it has brought a lot to mind and has given me a lot to ponder. I am pursuing my tarot readings more, and the more I dig into this new realm, the more peace and freedom I feel. It is one of the tools I am using as a distraction as well as something to give me drive and purpose for my life. I am beginning work on an e-book in which I want to more fully flesh out the journey I’ve been on over the past two years specifically.

I am coping, and that’s the best I can do these days. Someone told me they believed if I had stayed in Maryland any longer I would have gotten very sick. I agree with this person, I felt the storm coming and even though two weeks for a move was really really fast, it couldn’t have been at any better of a time.

So here’s to continue to recover “me,” as well as healing and finding the balance of my life, health, and state of being. I can only take one day, one week, one month at a time now, I want to begin to thrive again, and I think that is coming very soon.

Child Abuse Awareness Month

Being the survivor of childhood/adulthood abuse is not an easy place to be. And I say ‘survivor’ not victim, because I am not the abuse I suffered, I am continually striving to rise out of the pit and to protect myself, parent myself, and heal myself. There are times when I realize just how much I’ve had to do to pick myself up and make sure I am in most ways a functioning adult and that is heavy knowledge. I wasn’t taught anything about how to be an adult. I just knew how to take care of kids, how to grocery shop for a large family, how to cook, clean, be chief book and . I didn’t know anything about money, I didn’t know anything about budgeting. I taught myself or carefully asked people I hesitantly trusted.

Child abuse is not taken seriously in this country, especially among the people where it happens the most. Child abuse is not taken seriously when it’s the adult victims/survivors of said abuse finally breaking decades of silence to speak about what they endured. Those adults, myself included, are ridiculed for making things up, for not remembering circumstances correctly, and for just being bitter, angry, depressed. Well, let me tell you something, children have the purest bullshit meter I have ever seen in any human being. A child knows when they’re being lied to, when someone is not to be trusted, but what to do we adults do? We laugh off their terror, we brush off their tears because what do children know. It makes me sick to my gut to see children dismissed especially in situations of suspected or confirmed abuse.

I learned fast to not cry when talking about the daily abuse I saw and experienced at home. Somehow my tears of absolute heartbreak were seen as a manipulative tool and were taken to mean I was trying to make my story real when it wasn’t. There’s a part of a child that simply dies when they face a constant stream of abuse. If you know what to look for, it’s visible in their empty eyes, their lack of enthusiasm for activities, it’s their acting out and bullying other children. Adults look at children who act out or who even bully and all they see are misbehaving children and they look on them with disgust. What adults and other parents don’t look for is the cause of the acting out. Yes, I’m aware that some children just act out because they can, but more often than not, there is some sort of abuse triggering their need for attention or their need to dominate other children.

I have watched my siblings be those misbehaved, acting out children that no other family wanted or wants anything to do with. I have sat by and watched as we were rejected by other kids because we were so desperate for love and attention. I have also seen people brush me off time and time again because they just saw or see rebellious kids, not the hurting, broken children I see because of the abuse they daily suffer.

My sister is one of the strongest and bravest people I know, but she is seen as a rebellious little girl who is out of control. She is seen like that by the very family who offered to help, by the parents who are friends with my parents. I understand where they are coming from with their point of view, but I see the tears, I see the brokenness she tries to hide, I see the fear and pain from years of being thrown around, emotionally and physically. The adults don’t see that, they just see what they want to see because it is too hard to face the reality of child abuse. It is too hard to dive in and try to fight something of such a strong stigma as child abuse.

I understand the fear of hardship when it comes to people who could be advocating for more awareness of what really goes on in a large percentage of homeschooling homes. Tackling such a huge problem as child abuse takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of breaking in you as you face the realities these kids, myself included, have had to face and still face on a day to day basis. I don’t know very many people, outside of the private circles I am apart of on facebook, who are willing to put in the enormous amount of effort it takes to fight those perpetuating child abuse. Reality isn’t pretty when you enter the world of child abuse, but shame on you world for not taking seriously the horrific crime of child abuse.

There is so much more I want to say, but I am running out of steam now. I am constantly amazed at the scientific studies that are starting to come out revealing the drastic effects of emotional abuse on the brains of children. I don’t understand how people can be outraged about something in the media but then completely ignore the realities of that happening in their backyard. Innocent ignorance I can tolerate, it’s the turning a blind eye upon those who are hurting I can’t.

Pay attention to what happens around you, maybe you can help a child who is broken inside.

Making it Home

With hashtags like #royersgowest and #makingithome, I have been documenting our journey to Colorado on instagram. Taking pictures and posting them of the memories we left behind, of the new ones we have made so far, and of the crazy chaos that happened with moving in two weeks. Instagram is kind of funny at times, especially when it’s so easy to fake a happy face, or to make things sound better than they really are. Despite some partially major hiccups and some disappointing circumstances, our move was relatively smooth. It was almost too easy, both Phil and I would stop and look at each, voicing aloud our wondering of when the other shoe was going to drop. Things have rarely come easy for us. It is rare for us to put our minds to something and for it to happen right away, or even without any pitfalls along the way. Maybe the rough part of this move was everything leading up to it. The disappointing results of trying to move to California, the constant interviewing for Phil with no results, or at least no results that would have actually worked for us.

We’ve been in Colorado for three weeks now, but it actually feels a bit longer. We’ve adjusted for the most part to the higher altitude, although, my nose is still feeling really dry, and I’m having to totally readjust my normal hair care routine as the lack of humidity has kind of messed that up. It never ceases to amaze me when I turn out of our apartment complex and there are the mountains all spread out in front of me. I’ve decided we are at the perfect distance away from them, as we can see the highest peaks stacked behind the closer, lower peaks. At certain points on a few of the roads, we can see all the way to Denver, as well as see the haze that sits over the city on most days. I am learning the street names very fast, and already am able to drive around without needing to use my gps, for the most part. I can’t believe the amount of stores within walking distance, not only that, but within short driving distance. This really is a popular vacationing spot and it still feels at times like we’re just on vacation, not actually here to stay.

Even though the scenery, the atmosphere, the weather, having our own place above ground with tons of windows and sunlight is amazing, it’s lonely. We haven’t met a whole lot of people yet, we’ve been spending the majority of our free time trying to turn the blank apartment we were handed into a place of comfort and coziness. I miss the people I saw somewhat frequently back in Maryland, and it’s been difficult trying to shake off the chaos of the past month and settle without having someone to come over and keep me company. I don’t feel like I’ve painted a very realistic picture through the steady stream of instagram pictures I’ve posted to document our journey. It’s been difficult to hear people say they’re so envious or jealous of us when we’ve felt the loss of having to leave people we love behind and be in an entirely new place, all by ourselves, two hours behind those we used to see all the time. It was rough on us trying to get everything in place so we could leave on the 6th. I think both Phil and I just ducked our heads down and dove into the craziness that became the move and even though we are a very good team, we lost sight of each other just trying to survive through the move. It’s been like seeing the world with new eyes as we reconnect and settle in our new home. We both feel freer and like we can truly be ourselves here.

The good thing is that we adapt quickly, and it appears Ender has inherited that trait as well. He has been loving all of the space he now have to crawl and explore, and it’s hilarious to call for him and to find him sitting up, looking very curiously at a vent, then laughing out loud when he sees one of us coming. I was shocked at how well he did on the plane, and how well he’s done since then. There has not been one moment where I have felt he has lost it completely and everything new had thrown him off. Ender seems to have taken everything in stride, and is even sleeping very well in his OWN room. It’s a huge relief to me to see him adjust so fast and easily. He loves it out here, and I think both Phil and I are able to breathe easier knowing this move hasn’t thrown him off the way we thought it would.

I’m beginning to feel more at home here, beginning to love the way the sky looks, the way the clouds come in over the mountains, and especially the warmth of the sunlight almost every single day. There are a lot of kids in our complex, and it’s heartwarming to hear them laughing and playing their games after school lets out in the afternoons. There is, however, one tiny downside. Thanks to the legality of weed in our new state, our downstairs neighbor smokes. A lot. Frequently. We spent the first few days after we had moved in, taping up an attic door in a closet, investing in air fresheners, and taping up the poorly insulated window where the smell was coming in the strongest. We don’t smell a thing anymore which is awesome.

I am finally feeling more grounded and have been able to start reading my cards again, and I’m very encouraged by what is coming up. I’m excited about the new opportunities I have now, as well as the lightness I feel with now having almost 2000 miles between me and those who are poisonous to me. A weight is gone, and I feel like for the first time I can breathe deeply and not worry about what anyone thinks of me, or if I’m going to get a lecture for doing what I believe is right for me.

Colorado is our new home, and I’m eager to see what else awaits us here.

One Heck of a Grand Adventure

So we’re moving. In less than two weeks.To Colorado. We found out four days ago.

It has been a dream of Phil’s and mine to leave this area for several years now. We’ve daydreamed together about moving to California, talking about what we want to do in the future. Our dreams aren’t terribly grand, we just want a place to call home, a place to cook good food, have awesome neighbors, and to raise our family with many adventures. Our dreams shifted when we visited Seattle last winter and realized that our dreams aren’t just confined to California.

We tried our best over the past year and half to find an opening to get out to the west coast, but nothing fell into place. Lots of closed doors, lots of we’re sorry’s, lots of thanks but no thanks. Two weeks after Ender was born, what seemed like the perfect opportunity fell into our laps and Phil got flown out to California for a whirlwind weekend of interviews while I managed a newborn and the panic inducing possibility of moving cross country. That fell through with a promise of trying again this past January. The last six months of 2014 were spent with Phil buckled down, trying to learn an entirely new programming language, succeeding, only to reapply in January and to be turned down for the second time. Yeah, our year didn’t really start out so well. But within two days of getting turned down for the second time, we got a call and were asked if we wanted to move to Denver. Yes was the immediate answer. Anything that puts us closer to California and out of our current state of residence works. From the middle of January when he started the interview process to this past Thursday, we’ve been quietly waiting to see if this would be it.

I got the call from Phil midday on Thursday saying that the company was making the decision that day. It wasn’t even a half hour later when he texted to say he got the job, and oh by the way, we’re moving in two weeks. When we first decided to try for moving out west, I felt this whisper that once things were going to happen, things were going to move very fast. I’ve always felt this would be the case, so when I heard “two weeks” was all the time we got to move, I felt somewhat prepared, although, I use that term loosely.

Every other opportunity to move west that we’ve had has brought various feelings of uneasiness, or something just felt off. Even though it was disappointing every other time to hear no, again and again and again, we always knew it wasn’t time, but our time was still coming. Neither one of us have any checks or red flags about this move. Everything is falling together somewhat smoothly, the pieces are fitting, and even though it is a heck of a lot to do in now less than two weeks, we feel prepared, we are ready, and this new adventure is desperate to start.

Cross country moves are no stranger to me. I have moved cross country four times, although I really only remember two of those moves clearly. I am good at figuring out my surroundings fast, my mom and I soon knew the streets and locations of various stores sometimes better than the locals. I know how to move, I know how to reorient myself in a new place. It is in my blood, I have been itching for a move such as this for several. Only now, I feel like every single string that was holding me here has been cut loose, I am free, and it is a relief. It is like breathing in that first shaky breath after holding it in while being unsure of something working out. It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be grand, and I can’t wait to introduce Ender to a new place, Phil as well as he has never lived any other place than the county he was born in.

All that to say, holy cow, people, we’re moving! In 11 days. In 11 days, we board our plane and fly out of this place. I have my moments of feeling utterly overwhelmed, especially as I have ten thousand lists running through my mind and I can’t figure out which one I should start trying to tackle. So far, in three days, I’ve got an apartment pinned down, finalizing paperwork (yay, adulthood!) for that, our hotel is booked, our plane tickets bought (boo having only two weeks notice), and now we know when our load of belongings is going to arrive at our new place.

I will miss the friends and family who are dearest to me and who I get to see fairly often in person. Moving away is only an excuse for lots of visits and I know several are already being planned. The door has been opened, and the Royers are going west. I’m excited, we’re all excited, and this is going to be one heck of an adventure.

The High Priestess & The Queen of Wands

My intuition has always been a part of me. I have had that sixth sense for as long as I can remember, picking up on people’s thoughts, emotions, long before they actually said anything. I’ve had dreams that had no explanations until a few days later when the dream came true. I’ve known something was about to happen minutes, days, months beforehand. It is not an accurate intuition, as in, I cannot read the future, I don’t want to know the future, but I can feel the energy around me, and I am learning to read that energy. I have had several people ask me about the mention of tarot cards I made a few posts back, so I figured it’s time to open that door into my life.

A friend of mine offered to give me a reading with her tarot cards last year. I had heard of tarot before, and had always felt a pull towards the psychic. I would drive by a psychic’s shop while growing up, and would immediately turn to look, the pull was so strong I would think about what I had seen for the rest of the day. I could never work up the courage to go into one of those places, but I wanted to very much. So when my friend offered to give me a reading, I jumped at the chance. I was amazed at what the cards showed for me. Even more so how they answered my questions which I hadn’t spoken of out loud until after the reading was finished. I could feel the beauty, the mystery, the intrigue in the cards as I listened to her read them. I wanted that, I felt like it was time to pursue something that has pulled at me for a long time.

I hesitantly approached my therapist about the reading, unsure of what she would think. Wow, did I get a surprise! Turns out, she’s also a medium, and was 100% thrilled I wanted to pursue tarot. She gave me my first deck of cards, following the tradition of having your first deck given to you.

As I completely left christianity behind, I felt my spirit open up for the first time ever. I have felt free to pursue and explore whatsoever my heart desires, and that is one of the best feelings I have ever experienced. After dabbling in a few different things, I found a grounding in tarot. Tarot makes sense to me, it is something that flows with the energy I hold. It is something I have been hesitant to speak much of because of the huge misconceptions about it. I’m hoping maybe this post will help open some eyes and at least help you understand better what Tarot is and isn’t.

What Tarot Is Not – 

fortune telling
a game
utterly infallible 
unchanging
all knowing
one dimensional
dictate or runs your life (you are responsible for you)
evil
tool of a devil
replacement for professional help, such as health, financial, or legal

What Tarot Is – 

tool of divination 
insight
enlightenment
inspiring
can be a religious experience
warnings of situations
confirmation
affirmation
suggestive of making changes
rewarding in usage

Reading tarot is not like using a Ouija board. I am not interacting with demons or ghosts. I do however believe there is a spiritual dimension that we are barely aware of that is around us and I believe tarot cards dip into that. I am still learning, but so far, I have found tarot to be something I can believe in, it is something that is becoming part of who I am, and it is not a hobby. I believe I have a gift and this is how I can use my gift.

I am starting to explore astrology as well, since reading the stars, and understanding star charts and the zodiac helps with readings. It is all quite fascinating to me, and it echos back the longing, the need I’ve felt for a place to call my own.

In the coming months, I really want to start doing readings for others. I have done multiple private readings, but I’m starting to branch out more. This is one of the directions I want to start going with Profligate Truth. I’m heading in a metaphysical direction, and I love it. I am at the beginning of this grand journey, and so far, it has answered a call in my heart and speaks to me.  One of the cards which has claimed me is The High Priestess. She keeps showing up in my readings for myself and readings other have done for me. She is a card which holds the balance between the metaphysical and physical, she is a guide for the spiritual. The second card is The Queen of Wands. She is a woman who is confident and capable of success in her undertakings.

Please feel free to ask questions or even ask for a reading. I can’t promise I have time to get to many readings right now, but please, do not pass judgement on me just because I’m walking into waters you may not understand. Research, read, learn and seek to understand before you close your mind.

Alis Volat Propriis

“She Flies With Her Own Wings.” 

Lately, as I continue to reinvent myself, find myself, I have had a hankering for a ring to wear on my bare right hand. I grew up very proudly wearing my promise ring, and then adding a different kind of promise ring when Phil came along. In no way do I want to repeat that, but I crave something to call my own. I think this year that is my challenge to myself. I am creating, finding, claiming things as my own, my own special unique ‘Caleigh‘ thing.

I found this ring on Etsy. It has a Latin phrase on it and once I looked up the phrase, I knew it was for me. It’s this gorgeous, brushed gold coined shaped ring that says “alis volat propriis” on it. “She flies with her own wings.” This is me. I have flown with my own wings ever since I was first aware I was on my own. I have used these wings of mine to carry me through the darkest pits my spirit has ever known. I thought I could rely on various people throughout the years, only to be knocked down and betrayed, laughed at. I have gotten up, wiped the tears and snot off my face, raised my wings, and continued on, just a little more broken, just a little more strong.

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I just picked up a book called Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters. I am no stranger to books like this. Two years ago, I went through a book called The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed. Yeah, it’s some heavy stuff, but that book has been very helpful in understanding how the lack of having a mom who was emotionally available and loving has played out in my life. I have also realized that there is this cultural taboo against talking about your mother unless it is only to say positive things. It is almost akin to a social sin to say anything bad about moms. The flip side of this coin is acknowledging how mothers play a very significant role in the emotional, mental, spiritual well being of their child, not to mention the physical well being, too. Somehow, if a mother keeps a child fed, clothed, and a roof over their heads, she’s a great mother. Yes, please don’t get me wrong, that is very, very important, but there is so much more needed when it comes to mothering a child/children.

[I feel like I will be misunderstood unless I put this side note here. No mother is perfect, no person is perfect. Yes, mothers mess up, I mess up as a mother to my son. I am not diminishing mothers anywhere. I am writing about what I have learned, what I have seen to be true, and what I am struggling to change and rectify as I begin mothering my son.]

Books like the ones I mentioned above are important to me. These books, and many conversations with my therapist, are important because I’ve had to mother myself. I have to be mother to myself, and to understand what I need, I need an outside voice (I trust) to guide me. I am in a much better place after reading these books and understanding the pitfalls that are normal for daughters who have not had mothering. I better understand why I react to something, or even how I react to Ender and why I fear doing (fill in the blank) to him.

It is harder to talk about what my mom did or didn’t do to me than it is to talk about my dad. I find it is all part of that cultural taboo about saying anything bad about mothers. The most difficult part is that her role in my life has damaged me more than anything my dad could ever have done to me. I have never had a role model, I have never had that person I could go to who would take me into their arms, and tell me “mommy’s here, I will not let anything bad happen to you.” I distinctly remember having bad nightmares when I was 4-5 and I would quietly walk into my parents room and stand at my mom’s side of the bed, crying, and quietly call for her. I don’t ever remember getting a hug, just a brief prayer, then I was sent back to bed. I figured out pretty fast she wasn’t going to be there for me, and then if I woke up from a nightmare, I would curl up as tight as I could in bed, and cry myself back to sleep.

At 10, 12, 16, I was her confidant, I heard all the dirt on my dad, but I wasn’t allowed or encouraged to tell her my problems. I was laughed at for being too sensitive, or told my problems were insignificant. It was no wonder I would spend hours on the phone with my best friend, pouring my heart out to her, crying and wondering why I didn’t feel loved.

[I know my mom is going to read this. And I’m sorry, mom, for what you’ve done. I’m sorry that your own past messed you up so much that you couldn’t see past it to see how you repeated the same mistakes your mom made with you. I’m sorry you still can’t see it. I can’t and won’t sugar coat the truth. It is even more important now to fully understand and process how I was raised as I am now raising a child of my own. I know you do not understand what you did or how it has affect me.]

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I am starting new with Ender. I am learning how my mom messed up so I hopefully won’t make the same mistakes with him. At the very least, I will be informed, I will be watching to make sure I don’t crash and burn…too hard. I know I am going to mess up, heaven help the teenage years. I’m already mostly dreading those.

I can trace this cycle of unloving mothers back several generations. It is a cycle I have seen repeated to those around me. It is a cycle I am hell bent on stopping. If stopping it means destroying the rest of the whatever shaky relationship I have left with my mom, then I’m willing to do that. I want my son to know without a doubt that he is loved. I don’t ever want him to wonder in any way if I don’t love him. I want him to feel wanted, cared for, happy and content when he is in my arms and I’m kissing his fuzzy little head, and feeling his tiny hands on my face.

I deeply know the pain of feeling unwanted, not important. I have never felt sure of my mom loving me. I cannot remember a single moment where I was 100% sure she loved me. I have had to be that mother to myself, and it hasn’t been easy, and more times than not, I have had no clue how to do that. This still messes with me today, especially in new friendships. I worry that I’m too overbearing, that I am being a burden, or there’s some part of me that is unlikable and I should just stop talking because I will make it worse.

Now, I am claiming my wings, I am rising above, trying my best to keep mothering myself. In various ways being Ender’s mother has been helping a lot. It is settling a deep seated fear I have always carried; a fear of not being able to love or care for my child. I am a good mother, and I am capable of loving this child of mine with every fiber in my being. You will have to kill me first before I’d stop loving and showing that to my little boy.

So yes, I am going to fly with my own wings, the wings that have held me up and continue to do so. This bad cycle of bad mothering ends here. I will not continue this cycle, and I will continue to inform myself to I can do my best to eradicate the remnants left in me.