We just came up for air after two weeks of rainy, overcast, cold weather. I forgot how much I hated not seeing the sun, especially after having the sun out all day long for most days. It brought to the surface a realization I have been more frustrated than anything else about. I am a lot more depressed than I thought. I have learned how to cope and function very well, even to the point where I forget I am depressed until there is a mess, dishes in the sink, or laundry to be done and I realize I’m standing there with no energy or drive to do it.
I have always been good about forcing myself to do something. It is very rare when I don’t push myself into something I know I need to do.
I see posts about depression pass on my news feed on facebook, I read these posts and completely agree and relate with the lists or bullet points listed inside.
Phil gets home from work and asks what’s for dinner, and my answer is almost always, “I don’t know yet.” Ender stays in his jammies at least half the day unless we’re going somewhere. To find energy to change his clothes, some days, yeah, it just doesn’t happen. Ender and I have fun though, we listen to music, dance, he reads books and plays. But on a lot of days, I can’t function beyond getting my shower in the morning, making breakfast for the two of us, sometimes I have energy to do dishes. I feel quite accomplished when I actually get dishes done. It’s amazing how much one can ignore before it becomes too much.
I don’t write a lot anymore. It’s rare for me to sit down in front of my computer and actually write more than just a one liner in the search bar of google or pinterest. I don’t have any words left. They come to me in spurts of randomness, they don’t always translate into a coherent post. I am tired, I am physically weary of entering the fray and writing things I know I will get flak for. I am not going to hide behind a fake smile and pretend my depression isn’t my constant companion.
I thought I loved some of the previous places I have lived, but no, I can say I truly love Colorado. It is home in a way no other place has been. I love the sunshine, the sense of freedom I breathe in here. It is a place where I can breathe, rest, and allow myself to open up and let the sunshine in. It has helped and is helping keep my depression at bay, even if it is still there, it helps to have distractions and not the bad kind. But I’m coming up on Ender’s first birthday, and I am remembering just because I do feel better, doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet with postpartum depression. I am grateful that the anxiety fell away for the most part around 8 months postpartum.
It’s a weird place to be in to be able to look upon yourself and wonder at the lack of emotions. Emotions break through at unexpected moments, and it’s usually moments of frustration or when I’m suddenly triggered. Ironically it’s the messiness that triggers me and it’s the messes I try and usually succeed in ignoring. I can usually maintain a continually calm exterior and it does take a lot for me to get worked up, but when I do, it’s big because it usually has to do with a major trigger and there are only a totally of three people who hold those kinds of triggers for me now. And they are people I avoid at ALL costs.
I live with depression. This is my daily life. I live with 24/7 fibromyalgia, which I still don’t know if that is what triggered my depression or if my depression triggered my fibro. It is a cycle I don’t think I will ever know the answer to, and I’m okay with that.
I know how to cope with my depression. This is the fifth week in a row I have worked out four or more days. I am forcing myself to keep up with it, doing 15 mins of yoga almost every day has been helping, and I am starting to notice a difference. The depression is still there, but I cope, I live, I breathe, I have my good days and my bad days. I know the things that trigger the bad days, and I try my best to stay ahead of the triggers before they overtake me. Overtaking me means I snap at Phil, my hands stop working well, I can’t grab things, and I want to cry. While working out both helps bring energy and purpose it also brings more aches. My life is a continuation of achy shoulders, back pain, almost no chair is comfortable. Stand up, sit down, it’s the same. But I know how to cope with that too, and most days it doesn’t bother me.
Over the past two months I have had two separate channelings with my mentor. While the information I was given is for me alone, it has brought a lot to mind and has given me a lot to ponder. I am pursuing my tarot readings more, and the more I dig into this new realm, the more peace and freedom I feel. It is one of the tools I am using as a distraction as well as something to give me drive and purpose for my life. I am beginning work on an e-book in which I want to more fully flesh out the journey I’ve been on over the past two years specifically.
I am coping, and that’s the best I can do these days. Someone told me they believed if I had stayed in Maryland any longer I would have gotten very sick. I agree with this person, I felt the storm coming and even though two weeks for a move was really really fast, it couldn’t have been at any better of a time.
So here’s to continue to recover “me,” as well as healing and finding the balance of my life, health, and state of being. I can only take one day, one week, one month at a time now, I want to begin to thrive again, and I think that is coming very soon.