I’ve hit a wall.
There are so many issues going on around me right now in the world, I don’t know how to even begin to process them. There are so many things running through my mind, I can’t even begin to name them all, much less think clearly about one issue before another had crowded that one out. My mind is like a hurricane, never a lull in the pounding of thoughts and questions and just stuff.
I’ve tried to sit down and write at least five times in the past two weeks, but something called generalized anxiety disorder has sort of gotten in the way. Do you know just how utterly exhausting it is to feel multiple times in an hour that feeling like something big is about to happen, you can’t stop it, and that chill/stomach dropping feeling hits you over and over and over? That’s been my life over the past three weeks. And you know what the worst part is? I have no clue what I’m anxious about. My therapist told me that that’s why it’s real anxiety because there is nothing causing it, so to speak. Depression has been there, but it’s been up and down. Besides the anxiety, everything else has been smooth. That’s one of the hardest parts, I feel fine otherwise, I feel happy, content, and mostly pretty good, except for the moments of this jittery, stomach dropping feeling which is just confusing, a little terrifying because I have no control over it, and I don’t like it, I don’t want to feel like this, I’m not choosing to feel like this.
Ender is one of the easiest babies I have ever seen and yes, I know, I could jinx myself, but I’m not taking anything for granted. Today he is easy, yesterday he was easy, tomorrow? Well, tomorrow he could be really fussy and I could feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m taking each day as it comes with Ender, and I’m loving watching him grow, discover his tongue, fingers, and watch the understanding glow in his eyes as he turns his hands in front of his face. I love watching him clutch his blankie to his chin with both hands clutched in fists and the little contented look that comes over his face is enough to make my heart melt. All of the things I adore about caring for Ender and being with him doesn’t change the anxiety, it doesn’t change what goes on in my head all. day. long.
Any sort of postpartum depression/anxiety is not something the general public really seems to take seriously nor do they understand it. I’ve been having a few flashbacks to last year’s really bad depression. I know depression, I know MY depression and I’m grateful I haven’t hit depths this summer like I did last year. I haven’t talked about what I’m feeling because I know it’s the pre-programmed response of most people to just write it off as “baby blues” which I know this isn’t. I don’t want to be dealing with this but I am. It is really uncomfortable to not feel like myself and to feel this close to how I felt during last year’s darkness It’s the dark not-fun side of motherhood, recovery, and it’s real. To brush it off as only hormones would only serve to diminish a legitimate thing our bodies do, and it’s an insult to what I and so many other mothers deal with.
Phil keeps mentioning how quiet I am. I don’t really have the words to explain accurately to him just how many things are roaring around in my mind. I don’t realize how quiet I’ve gotten because it’s awfully loud inside my head. I think I’m quiet because I’m trying to keep everything under control, all of my energy is going to trying to contain the hurricane in my head. After writing my last post about the testimony of an un-christian, I’ve become aware with such clarity about where I stand. I’m standing at a massive crossroad, or rather, I’m walking towards the path I know I will choose, but I’m having to make decisions and choices as I walk. Decisions about my faith, belief system, my past, my present, my future; all of these are also adding to the already loud buzz in my head.
I don’t like being so quiet, but to open my mouth and talk about what is in my head is more frustrating than staying quiet. Everything is connected but it would take hours and very very careful explaining to piece everything verbally together. Imagine feeling like there is a lock on your mouth and you are the only one who can unlock it but the key is nowhere to be found. The frustration I feel as I stand in church and wonder why I’m there other than to just have some sort of social interaction, the paranoia/panic when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t hear my very soft breathing baby. The frustration I feel when I see, hear, anything about god, the bible, or see verses quoted. That frustration is a special kind of frustration and one I’m not ready to talk about with anyone other than Phil and one of my closest friends and my therapist.
Another part of this big crossroad is what I am going to do with my blog. With where I am emotionally and mentally these days, I’m not sure I have the words or if I even care enough to keep writing here. I think I’m waiting for something, and I think that something is a hopeful move to California in the coming year. I am done with the culture, environment, and just the people on the east coast. I want a new start, I want to be able to breathe without fearing the retaliation of those around me to the direction I know I’m going in and the decisions I’m going to make.
So yes, I’ve hit a wall, I’m in a holding pattern, waiting, trying to wrestle with the roar in my head all while dealing with exhausting anxiety that I don’t want to be feeling but can’t seem to shake. In the meantime, I don’t know how often I’ll post. A lot of the past year has involved increasingly inward processing and I’m only writing when I’m confident with what I’ve decided/chosen, and only then will I post it publicly. I think I will get to the point where I will be able to fully disclose what I’ve chosen and why but I’m not in an area where I feel safe doing that, nor am I ready to fully disclose where I’m heading because I can’t handle the lose of what I’m going to loose when I do do that.
This is me.
Me and the roar inside my head.