It’s a somber day for me as I realized exactly four years ago my dad was kicking me out of the house, telling me he was tired of dealing with me and no longer had time for me. He called me a bad influence on my siblings and blamed me for all of the “trouble they were causing.” He looked around my room and told me I could take my dresser (which I had bought with my own money) and then said I’d have to leave the rest behind. I had no vehicle, no bed, no place to stay and he said I had two weeks to leave. Meanwhile, my mom stood there silently.
I had gone out to breakfast with my mom that morning of the 22nd, four years ago. I was at terrible odds with her, especially since I had decided the confiding she did with me was not appropriate for a mother daughter relationship. I tried to get through to my mom again as I explained how she wasn’t listening to me nor was my dad. It was a blank stare I got back and then the same shit about me not obeying them. I knew before even sitting down with her that it was a lost cause. I was done with trying to make any sort of relationship with either of my parents work. The whole beginning of January had been my last ditch effort, and it had failed, surprise, surprise. I told my mom it was time for me to move out and to my surprise, she agreed with me. Both of my parents saw me as a rebellious teeny-bopper who wouldn’t relinquish control to them when it came to who I was going to marry. They both tried to emotionally manipulate and shame me into obeying them. I was two months shy of turning 20, and working over 60 hours a week at work.
Upon getting home, I started making preparations to begin the search for finding a new place to live. I had literally hit send on an email to my pastor, when my parents stormed into my room and my dad got right down to it. The egomaniac had to control the situation and had to kick me out before I could leave on my own. What a fool he is, he is losing his children and yet he doesn’t care. He walked out of my room ten minutes later, leaving behind a sobbing daughter, yet he wore this smug “I’m the boss” smile on his face. Again, my mom said nothing as he stood there berating and verbally abusing her daughter. I don’t think I have forgiven her of that betrayal. She came to me later and said that appeals to my dad were welcomed. This only solidified my departure as there was no way I was going to give any control to that man, he was hell bent on destroying the spirit within me, I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of that happening.
I’m overly aware of the mercury retrograde this year. It’s a bitter week, falling into the reminiscing that comes with the retrograde. I felt the retrograde hit as soon as yesterday morning started, everything shifted and looking forward, I can see it continuing for at least another week or so until things settle and I can regain my footing. The anniversary of getting kicked out is only one of the reasons I’m eager to see the end of January. This new year has already been really rocky for all of us and I just want to get the rest of the year going. My cards are hopeful which is one of the only things pulling me through right now.
The past four years have pushed me to a depth I have never known before, but they have been better than the 6 years before that. Even through the memories are still sharp, seeing all that I have accomplished in the past four years since my family tossed me aside lessen them, some how. I was tossed aside and called worthless, but I have found my worth in the past four years. I was accused as being the one who was to blame for my siblings’ misbehavior, but I’m the one they run to when their hearts are bleeding. I was told I could beg for my worth, but I have learned I will not beg for anything, I am not worthless, I am a strong being capable of asking for myself, but no, I will not cower and beg, I am more than that. My heart was shattered once again when my dad turned on me that final time, but my heart is stronger now, capable of so much more sincere and deep love. I give my love to those I deeply care about, knowing I am risking being wounded. My heart is bigger, I have stood on the presence of true love and can now love with a freedom I have never had before.
I have spent the past four years breaking myself; molding, pushing, pulling, digging for the person I truly am underneath all of the scar tissue, brokenness. The person I feel emerging is someone I am proud of, someone I love and respect, someone I am not ashamed to stand up and say this is me. I am learning more to live for my own sake, not so I can keep others happy, or to appease those who have controlled me in the past. I live in a world of my own choosing, not one that has been forced on me.
So, thanks dad, for pushing your daughter away. Thanks for kicking me out and thinking you were right, because I finally saw through the entirety of your heart, and couldn’t find one shred of decency left. I have left the ball in your court and you have proceeded to do nothing with it. Besides the fact that you were required for me to be alive today, I want nothing more to do with your name, with you, and my son will never know your voice. I saw how you dared to try to get close to me at Christmas, but I held true to my word. That’s one thing you can always count on me for; I will always stick to my word. I will always be the black sheep, and I’m proud of that.